Sweet Fragments

It is funny. Since coming back from Thanksgiving in California with the family, my practice has been totally inconsistent and my desire for caffeine and sweets has really gone up. When I was in CA I practiced everyday except the day we left-- moon day--. Then, I get back home and I stop practicing at home. Too weird. It might have something to do with the lack of light-- sunset at 4:13 today-- as well as the cold. I don't know. But, I do know that practice really makes me feel good. It helps me shake off the winter blues and it makes it easier to avoid the not so comforting foods of the season. I have no idea why this is. But, at the same time, I am feeling pretty fragmented. It is difficult to settle down and study and do anything much except watch long hours of tube. Then my brain feels completely numbed out.

What is really odd is that all of these things that my body desires now are things that will, I know, make it feel bad. Yet, it wants them anyway... and who am I to say no? I guess it is just another aspect of the experiment with change. It has been like this from the start: Will I choose to go do yoga or not? Will I drink even though I know the slightest amount makes me feel bad? and so on. The interesting thing is that the relatively small amounts of pastry I am consuming, or the small amount of caffeine I take in, never really bothered me before. Last year, for example, I don't remember having this problem. I ate pretty much whatever I want. The same thing has happened in the past with alcohol. I could drink whatever I wanted, and it didn't bother me. The big difference is, perhaps, that last year I was not practicing ashtanga. Yes, I was taking vinyasa classes that were ashtanga inspired, but I was yet to start primary series. I didn't start doing that officially with any regularity until this summer. Maybe it is true, primary series cleanses your body. So now I can't put this stuff into it without feeling blech. So, I am going to look at this thing with diet and practice as another part of that puzzle. Which thing will I choose? Sweet fragments, or the sweet union?