Weirdness

Since that last post, I've been experiencing a lot of... weirdness. I don't know if it is because I am slowly venturing into intermediate and that is opening up a lot of things that aren't just physical... or maybe it is the fact that it's that time of year again when the sun goes down at 4. Hurrah for solstice tomorrow!!!

But, since I wrote that I have gone through a lot of different things. After writing that, I kept going back to it thinking that I was being hyper-critical. Then, the more I read it and read it, I kept thinking, no, I'm not being critical, but maybe there is something more there. Yes. There is. Oddly, from that stage I began to become super critical of myself in a way that was almost damaging. Maybe strike the almost. Rather than opening up to myself and others, this has the effect of closing me down, of shutting things and others out.

Yet, as this was going on, I kept noticing how people seem to be oddly attracted to me. From out of nowhere, someone will come up to me in the store or wherever with a big smile and the next thing you know we're having a long conversation about cookie dough or something. And, yet inside I feel this sort of trembling, a sort of vulnerability, something that feels like it is very fragile. I think I've been here before. I can see that my criticism or any other negative reaction has the effect of pushing others away because I'm afraid of whatever that thing is inside of me will be damaged, hurt, injured if I open myself up. And yet, it is the closing off that is the most damaging, the most painful and causes the most injury.

Reading over my journal, I see that this is something that keeps coming up as I practice Yoga. There is an opening, there is fragility and then anger arises or some other negative defense mechanism to protect whatever it is. The choice is to either keep exploring it, to venture into the realm of "danger" or to allow it to close up, scar over and keep living in pain.

I'll keep practicing and see what happens.